The Normal Rules of Relationship is Professional Ethics
During intermission at a women’s event recently, I was asked, “Why do hairstylists assume they can ask you such personal questions?” I thought to myself, personal boundaries are essential on both sides of the chair. My first reaction to the woman’s question, was to defend hairstylists. Inside, I also knew this was an honest, evocative, question, and there are a lot of assumptions made by people in the hairstyling industry, and a lot of unprofessional behavior that gives us all a bad name. I needed to take a closer look at what was being stirred up inside me.I have witnessed, and overheard, many hairstylists going for the jugular in their quest for knowing who sits in their chair. Some hairdresser’s inquiries–incessant,insatiable curiosities leave me to wonder, whether they are really thinking about the client’s experience. Did they get permission,unspoken perhaps, to be as personal? Or, did the trust develop through years of seeing one another? Or, were there alot of assumptions made right from the get go? I’m sure a little bit of everything goes on, but what gives us the right to do so? How does it all happen?
When a client sits in my chair there is a boundary line between us, and that line invisible as it may be, is there, and will move depending on who sits in my chair. A line can be found that winds back and forth on itself, building a wall as thin or as thick as anyone of us wants. It is up to each of us to determine what we want to reveal, what we want the time in the chair to look like. And, I know I am guilty of taking the session into a personal realm, of being too self-focused, or maybe even getting too personal,instead of talking about their hair. It always comes back to the hair.
So, how is it then, that this wall can seem imperceptible to us at times, as if there is no boundary? I certainly have experienced clients who have a hard time respecting my boundaries when they sit in my chair, it’s up to me to decide just where the boundary line is, although I find it delicate to establish at times. For example,I have a client who comes in every six weeks for a hair cut, and has for the last 20 years. Once every session, for the last five years, this very loyal client, has asked me, “When are you getting married?” She insists that I need to, and now even more so because my partner and I have a child together. Now, she is at least twenty years my senior and works as a therapist, a little hard to consider speaking up for myself.
“We’re talking about it.” I’ll say, hoping this will end the conversation. I can’t tell her, “Please don’t ask me that question anymore. Please don’t play the role of my mother. And please, don’t pretend to know what is right for me to do.” I love this client, and appreciate her greatly, and I wouldn’t consciously do anything to have her disappear. And yet, I suppose that is some of the fear, that I would lose my clientele if I set a boundary of that nature. “I don’t work that late,” is a boundary of another kind.
The boundary line gets muddled because we like people, and we want to be liked. We want to avoid hurting people, or being hurt, whenever possible. When a client sits in my chair, especially a new client, I follow their lead, I want them to feel comfortable. So I ask questions to get to know them, and remember the answers. I allow them to set the tone of the experience. Do they want to chat? Do they want quiet? I respect whatever it needs to be. I air on the side of being a listener. It’s about their hair after all. We build trust together and we respect the needs. of one another. If it is a new client and they divulge it all in the first visit, I’m left with, “Wait!” There was no time for the intimacy to be established, too much information, so I cut silently.
The normal rules of relationship apply here, even if I do have permission to touch a client’s head, and style their hair, does not mean I may assume they want anything but a haircut. Personal boundaries are essential on both sides the chair for things to work.
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Tags: ethics, business, training, corporate, code
